The story of how I lost my virginity is less than romantic. It was not exactly the experience that is often portrayed in the movies, with candlelight and romance and pillow talk. I was sixteen, and very disenchanted by the world as to what TRUE love was. Before I actually performed the act with my boyfriend, I had it set in my mind that I was capable of “handling it” and it “had to happen sometime”. I spent a lot of time justifying why it was “the next step” and the “only way to show my love”. In my own mind I was convinced that I was ready for it. It also didn’t help that the world was telling me “how mature I was for my age”. Of course I was more mature than most girls my age, I was dealing with adult situations with the mindset of a child- YES, a child.
My boyfriend was a few years older than me, and we had been dating for over six months already. I was convinced beyond reason that I would marry him, and we would live happily ever after. I told myself that it would be alright, since he was my first, he would be my last because that’s how it was supposed to be. I was delusional. Logic didn’t matter, and the enemy can be very convincing, especially to someone as young and naïve as I was at the time.
After it was over, I felt very empty and disappointed. “That’s it? I don’t see what the big fuss is. It was painful, not pleasurable. Maybe I need more practice, I must not be doing it right.” Once the initial disappointment was out of the way, I felt like I didn’t have anything to lose anymore. My boyfriend and I continued to have sex regularly until we broke up, six months later from a “lack of connection”. He dumped me.
From then on, it wasn’t a big deal to have sex with the whichever guy I was seeing at the time. I made sure that we took care to use protection, and I didn’t have “random”sex, as it is defined today, but I was still being rather careless in choosing my partner. I had a very inadequate point-of-view that sex was a vital part of dating, and that was how I could please my boyfriend at the time. I reasoned with myself that sex wasn’t enjoyable, through my own faults. I didn’t want to get hurt again, so I blocked out any emotion that I felt about sex, except the want to satisfy the men I dated so they wouldn’t leave. I figured that if I didn’t show the emotion, or deal with it, it wouldn’t exist anymore. I didn’t cope with the disappointment, the longing for approval, or the sadness that came with having a sex life. I just kept doing it, expecting the same results every time. It was very hollow, and made me feel very unloved.
Then I met my husband.
I felt like I got struck by lightning. It was sort of like a sixth sense, knowing that he was very special and would be a big part of my life. We started dating, and after a while, had sex. But it was my boyfriend (now husband, Nick) who stopped this facet of our relationship from becoming like every other tryst. He expressed to me his desire to have us be“more than sex”. This concept was so foreign to me, but it was exactly the discipline that I needed. We started practicing abstinence, and were soon talking about marriage. It wasn’t easy, and we were not always successful in keeping our hearts pure, but through the times we were feeling weak, we prayed together. I was all but living with him already, and abstaining while sleeping in the same apartment was a very difficult thing. We knew it was something that we had to do though, to prepare ourselves for marriage. It was through times of prayer and supplication (fasting or abstaining) like these, that my relationships with him and the Lord truly started to flourish.
It was an incredible experience, to make love to my husband once we were married. It opened up such an array of emotions and connections to God and each other that we had never felt before. It was such a deep connection, so beautiful that it is indescribable. It had such intensity, and is always getting better the more that my husband and I continue to grow together and involve the Lord in our marriage.
Looking back on my experiences of life, I feel incredible regret. I had to learn the hard way. I did something that could never be taken back, and it hurts to know that I robbed my husband of the one amazing, divine gift that I could have saved just for my him. Remembering the struggles, and the emotional rollercoaster that I put myself on, I really wish I had been a stronger woman, and come to Jesus earlier. If only I had developed a prayer life; I could have avoided searching for love that I didn’t find. I wasted so much time and effort on men who didn’t love me, not knowing that Jesus could have fulfilled what I had been missing. I was imprudent, and not ready for the cost of a sexual connection. I could have saved myself a lot of disappointment and hurt.
In retrospect I understand that many lies that were told to me, and see how they are being told today. I recognize the underlying messages that “sex sells”,“sex is the rite of passage to adulthood”, or “sex is the way to express love”.I see how we are targeted as women and a focus on the romanticism and glorification of sex before marriage. Its very saddening to hear these lies from the point-of-view of a Christian who has faltered. Christ died a very brutal death so that we can live, and be free of sin. Yet, everyday young people are suckered into a life of sin, because society says its okay. However, I know that God does not see it in that perspective. Our heavenly Father’s heart has not changed, even if our society says it has. Nowhere in the bible is it written to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince; this is a justification made up by people to justify our own bad behavior. Do not be drawn into this lie. He has given you this precious gift, to be given to your husband exclusively. God CREATED you to be chaste, and keep your heart pure, in honor of the husband you don’t have yet. He created you to be prudent in your decisions, and loyal to the husband that He has picked out for you. This is His command to us. It is our obligation to remain faithful to our future husbands. It is our duty to remain pure in waiting for our perfect union between man, wife and God, as He intended.
My advice for you is to honor God! I strongly urge you to make better choices than I made. It will help you to avoid regret and sin. Avoid being in a situation where you could possibly make a mistake. Go out on dates in public. Hang out with family and other friends. Do not leave opportunity for error. In doing so, you are giving yourself the chance to get to know each other freely, without adding the extra pressure of a sexual relationship. If he does care about you, and has a relationship with God, your boyfriend will respect your wish to leave that part out of the relationship until you are married.
Develop a prayer life by yourself, and with your boyfriend. Encourage him to pray with you and for you, especially if its getting too hot and heavy. Don’t be afraid to stop in the heat of the moment and pray. God can speak volumes through prayer, and may deter you from making a tremendous mistake. I guarantee that if your boyfriend loves and wants a future with you, he will pray with you and for you. Also, prayer is a really good way of separating the good guys from the total creeps. Think of how your boyfriend will respond if you ask him to pray just before you think about having sex. You may possibly find out in that instant, more about his character than any moment during sex could reveal. I am not saying it will be easy, because it will take strength to stop yourself, but it is to your benefit. Prayer doesn’t only draw you nearer to the Lord, but it also builds character and strength, especially in critical moments. The more you draw closer to God, the less likely you will make a mistake of great consequence. It will also enrich the relationship you have with your significant other, and lay the foundation for a marriage, if that is what you are planning. The most rewarding, and intimate thing that my husband and I practice every day is not sex, but praying together. A relationship with God is what makes our marriage so wonderful, and that kind of connection is worth waiting for.
Marissa couldn't have put it any better! I almost can't think of an ending for this, but I will again stress the need for prayer in ANY relationship. Start the habit now so it's natural once your in a relationship with a man. Maybe even buy a devotional book to prepare for dating or to use in your current relationship.Marissa and I hope this spoke to those of you who were thinking about giving in and to those who already have. Marissa and I want you to know that our prayers go out to you! And like always, if you have any questions you can contact me through email at Haleyjadey@yahoo.com.
Did you know that Haley hates being alone?!