Katie Stevens wanted nothing more than a steaming hot tub and a journal. Stomping up the stairs with a robe in her arms and a journal in her right hand, she took a deep breath and screamed in anger “Uhhhh!”. Lucky for her, no one was home.
“How can he do this to me?! Why? How come it’s always me who likes the guy when he doesn’t even look at me?! What’s wrong with me God? What on your crazy green earth is wrong with me? Everyone says I’m pretty, I’m into sports, I go to all the parties - I even strike up conversations! Why doesn’t anyone ever like me? Is my approach to forward? But I don’t even flirt…well, not like other girls do! What if I do flirt? Will it make you mad? Well too bad! Who cares…if a person can’t be happy with you why stay with you?”
“I’m sorry God…I didn’t mean it. It’s just not fair.”She turned the faucet and let it steam up, plugged the drain and dipped her fingers into the hot water. Her pen started running over the paper, the water dripping along the top of the pen down to the page, smudging the ink like a good cry.“
I mean, really!
Why am I the one who can never add anything to the relationship conversations - the girls always have tons of stuff to lay down - but all I can say is “God hasn’t shown me the right guy yet…”. And of course all the girls think I’m ‘little miss spiritual’ - who wants to hang out with me anyway?
God - why are you so mean? It’s not fair! Ahh! - you’re so mean God!”
How come Howard doesn’t like me? I’m nice to him! It’s so weird…he seems to like Sal and Michelle - and he even talks to Jackie - why not me? It’s so not fair!”First it was Ryan, then Jamie, Craig, and now Howard? What is wrong with you God? Why can’t a good Christian girl even have a healthy dose of relationship in her life? I’m not even asking for him to kiss me! All I want is for him to talk to me! I say “hi” every day -I even smile! But of course all he does is look at his books, talk to his guy friends and even in youth-group he totally ignores me! Why can’t he even talk to me? It’s so annoying! I know, I know, I should be so committed to you that I hardly ever think about guys - but I’m 18! Why can’t anyone notice me? Okay, there was Troy and Rich - but they’re freshman! Who wants those little pimply, sex driven boys driving after them?Tears streamed down her face, softly, and the running water like a mini Niagara Falls for background effect - if she could only jump it right now - why not?“I want to die - maybe someone would be sad and cry over my casket - maybe Howard - or maybe someone I’ve never even seen before - a secret admirer, maybe he’d go have himself a big mourning, and talk to my grave everyday…how romantic! If only someone would do that while I was alive! Come crying to me - telling me how much they’ve loved me!”She unplugged the drain, shrugged on her pajamas and slipped into her robe. A bath was always the most dramatic thing to do when she felt all emotional - coffee. Coffee was the next thing on the list of pity party necessities.
Still clutching her journal, she headed back down stairs and into the kitchen, lit her Caramel Sauce candle and started the coffee machine. “You know, I would be really mature with a relationship - I wouldn’t go on private dates, and I’d only hang out when people were around - and that’s saying something! Cause I could just hand it all away and take everything available! And I’m 18! You know, it’s not like I don’t love you God - I spend way more time with you than my friends seem to - I read my Bible everyday, I talk to lonely kids at school - I even go to all the volunteer trips with Youth Group! I’m a good person - I know, I know - being good doesn’t make you a Christian - I’m not saying that.”The machine dripped slowly and then stopped. She pulled a mug from the cabinet and filled it with black, stirred in Hazelnut creamer and headed to the living room.
Her favorite blanket was on the couch, so she grabbed it and sank into the plush carpet.“Yeah, I know - I still need a lot of work. I guess that’s why I’m journaling like this any-who. I should be over these pity-parties by now. Hmmm…I wish you were here. It would be so much easier to get over stuff if you were always with me! I know - you are always with me - in spirit and all - but I mean really - really with me! Like where I could see you! So I could hold your hand - no - totally fall into your arms - and I so would! Oh God - please - please come sit with me! I want you so bad! It’s like that Bible verse about you sending your spirit into our hearts - crying “Abba - Father!” I want you! It’s your spirit in my heart screaming for you! I need you so bad God - I need you here with me! Who cares about boys? I need you more than I’ve ever needed anyone before! I need you like crazy - I think I might cry!”Tears came again - her face to the ceiling - they came - pouring down her cheeks, a small whimper escaped and almost led to another but she stopped it.“You say if I draw near to you, you’ll draw near to me - why aren’t you here!
You say if Your children love you and seek you You’ll come to them - why not me! Why don’t you come to me! I need you Jesus - I need you!”Mom’s Bible was on the table, she reached for it and opened it up, letting it fall where it would.
It opened up to Song of Solomon - chapter 8. She quickly grabbed her journal and wrote;“Set me as a seal upon thy heart, as a seal on thine arm: for love is strong as death and as cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame.”
Still letting the tears fall she lay there, in the blanket - and it almost felt as if He were right there…his left hand were under her head and his right hand embracing her…the most perfect pity party yet.
Lord - that’s how I’m longing for you - and it’s so much more than I was longing for a guy’s love - you are so much more worth my tears! I’m setting you as a seal upon my heart - your name is on my heart - on my soul O God! Please be with me - I would die right now - happily to be with you!
“Make haste my beloved, and be thou like to a roe or young hart upon the mountains or spices.”
“His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.”
I love you Lord, thank you - thank you for taking my pity party and making it a time with you! But I still want you more and more - I want you like the fire wants wood! Lord…I love you. Let us be forever joined - I want you with me forever, it’s such a crazy love…I adore you God - and this is awesome!”
Did you know that Emily thinks hammocks are a piece of heaven?!
She couldn’t wait for the next one.